Giving up is one of the most difficult things a person can do. Especially when it is not of their own volition. What is even worse is when it is fear that is holding you back. Fear of failing, fear of disappointing someone, fear of being alone, fear that today was the best day of your life but it passed you by because you could not get yourself out of bed. Getting out of bed each morning is the most difficult thing for a person to do. For some, it is easy. They never learn the true joy of a sick day. They do not know the immense amount of joy that we feel by escaping for just a day. The weight of the world is taken off our chest at knowing we have one less obligation for the day.
Most nights, I lay in bed thinking of all the things I’m going to do and get done the next day. I set three or four alarms to make sure I wake up early. In the morning, after snoozing those three to four alarms, I lay in bed thinking of all the things I planned to do and get done that day. I lay in bed for hours. Whether I really need to get something done or I just want to sit somewhere and read, I hate that I can not get my day started. Just last week, I woke up, showered, got dressed, put my shoes on, and then laid back down on my bed. I can not make sense of what goes through my mind.
I no longer expect anything from anyone, but I expect so much from myself. I always think I should be reading more, writing more, doing better, doing more. But, it is never enough. It is like I am never satisfied. I enjoy things, yes. I am not satisfied, though. It is a subconscious feeling. There is a nagging thought in my head. Imagine how much better that would have been if this or that happened, or if this or that person were here. I can not get rid of this feeling that no matter what I do, I am never going to be satisfied. And it scares the shit out of me.